I admit..I thought I was stronger..but things are changing all the time, especially with my stupid and pitiful mind that keeps creating voices in my freaking head.  I've been thinking a lot today about my behavior lately.  I hate it! I'm not even myself.  I don't know where to begin with...One thing I know though, I'm a kind of girl who doesn't like to lose..but I'm losing...I'm losing to something that I should have not been worried about..something least important in many people lives but this thing tends to get me the most..i'm losing...physically and emotionally.  The more I keep pushing myself into...the more painful I am.  I do things that I shouldn't do thinking that it would make me feel a little better and I could eventually stop this thing that keeps spinning my head around...but..it's just getting worse and worse..I'm still weak..It is the only thing that hold me back.  I question myself a lot whether it is worth it to do this.  I talked to my friend the other day and I admire her.  She's pretty strong.  She knows what she wants and she's walking toward it confidently by herself.  She doesn't need anyone cuz she knows she will be the only one who enjoy the great outcome with all this hard work she's putting into.  She wants to be a doctor and she's putting her mind into it.  Then, I look at myself....damn! what am I doing? What am I fighting for right now? is this thing going to pay me back or at least make me happy for the rest of my life? answer is No!  I had my own standard and own self value and I know that it was not this low.  What the hell happen to the same old lynn? I dont know...I just hope that one day I will actually reallize and feel better and maybe love myself even more.

If you don't love yourself, then don't expect other to love you.

Damn..it's late..alright enough of this nonsense..I'm moving on..

This is very weird...i had a dream about Pune last night.  He just passed away like a week or two ago. They said that he committed suicide at the bridge on 210Fwy.  That's what they said. I dont know if he meant to do that himself or it's because he was under the influence of some type of drugs.  But anyway, I  dream about him last night.  I havn 't really thought of him that much. Actually, i didnt think of him at all, except for the first couple of days that he passes away.  But dont think that i'm a bad person. it's just there is no point of thinking about him too much anyway. Beside just keep doing that, i pray for him instead. and i know that he probably gets it.
    In my dream, i went to visit him on the island.  He was with his friend, whose i dont know who that was.  but i feels so close to both of them.  I went alone..and i dont know why i was there for.  there was a lot of people...seemed to me like they were celebrating something.  there was dinning table, covered with white sheets...seemed like a celebration.  everyone was happy there.  I was with Pune.  we started to flirt.  i let him hold me and hug me and take me around that celebration event.  We talked all night, but i dont remember what we were talking about.  i just know i felt great to be there. i felt loved and all that, that i've been looking for. but then i had to leave the island, for some reason, i couldn't stay there.  Before i left, he asked me to come back for someone's wedding. i accepted his invitation right away. i told him that i'm going to bring my friends here too. i think i told him i wasn't sure if i did.  anyway, i got back to the place i belong to, LA/Bangkok.  I met up with O and dont know why also with Go Golf, Tai, Oat. it was at my house in thailand. i talked to O that i went to see Pune at this island and wondering if she wants to come along to the wedding with me. she said yes right away. i invited her but deep down inside i was like damn if she comes along then i cant flirt with him or hug him anymore. but i still invite her cuz i know she wants to see him as well..so i told her like oh yeah when u see him, it would be a good chance for u guys to talk and be with each other.  She said, no it's not like that anymore. she's not gonna be with him like how she used to. i didnt believe her. but anyway, we were looking for the outfit to wear to the wedding. and we booked a boat. it's called Furrary boat in the dream. all the sudden, the night that we should go came but it was raining, storming, thunder storm and shit like that started to happen.  we also were really late and more likely we would miss the boat. i dont know if we missed it. we never made it there....i got up.

It was the weirdest dream ever. it's like He's trying to tell me that he's fine and thanx for the all the praying, something like that. i woke up around 4:25am after my dream. i didnt eat that much before i went to bed either. i dont know it's weird and i'd to like to write about it as a memory.

I CANT BELIEVE MY XANGA IS STILL ACTIVE!!!!!